If I love my wife but she is infertile and I desire progeny, but refuse the prospect of a surrogate, should I divorce her and marry another?

I am a woman who was unable to conceive a child for 7 years. Even though I intellectually know that my worth as a wife and as a woman isn't tied up in how my eggs work, it still was a blow on a deep and primal level. It felt like I was defective, and I was letting my husband down. Thank God he didn't feel that way, and I know his heart broke when he saw me looking at blank pregnancy stick after blank pregnancy stick.

In fact, I'm crying now.

But you know what? I'm glad. Because we adopted our daughter after 10 years of marriage and she is awesome.

She's not our progeny?

I wish I could say your attitude was surprising, both towards infertility and adoption. But it's not.

So, please don't adopt. Anyone who thinks adopting a child is some pathetic thing for desperate barren couples isn't the right candidate anyway.

So, yeah, maybe you should divorce her. I'd be interested in the kind of woman who'd sign up to marry someone who divorced his wife over infertility though. Will you have her eggs and uterus inspected?

I have to give you props for honesty.

If you do divorce your wife, and she'd like some moral support, please consider having her contact me privately on Quora.

This is my husband. This is is our daughter, 10 years ago. Thanks for the reminder for the wonderful silver linings in life.

Edit 1/30/14

Since I first wrote this answer, I've had some time to reflect.

One of the strengths of Quora is it's "Be Nice, Be Respectful" policy.

I feel that my answer didn't adhere to that spirit and for that I would like to apologize.

I do feel that the wording of the question and its comment details lacked sensitivity and consideration for people following the infertility topic who would be potential answer providers. I also felt that the wording of " not accepting " adopting children is hurtful.

In hindsight, however, I realize that not everyone is on the same journey or has the same insight.

I did react and write in a more visceral emotional way, feeling empathy for the OP's wife.

I do think that wanting to have a biological child is a very natural thing, and the loss of that dream is something people respond to in different ways.

So, I'd like to amend my advice.

List all the reasons having a child / being a father appeals to you. In what way did you envision fatherhood or a relationship with your child? Is a biological connection a vital component to all of the things you list? If no, then I urge you to reflect and reconsider.

As for divorcing your wife. To be perfectly honest, no one on Quora really can advise you on that. People gave you an answer to what they would do, but they are not you.

To be candid, I'm questioning the wisdom of asking a question of such a sensitive nature in this type of forum, both for your sake and for those of us who read it for whom these questions may carry a lot of baggage. But that's water under the bridge.

I said it in a manner that wasn't kind, but I do think if you choose to divorce your wife, you'd be facing a challenge with prospective further spouses. I don't know your value system or culture, but I'd have a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that my prospective husband loved his first wife, but ended that marriage in order to find a wife he could have biological children with. First, would your love for your first wife be an impediment in a new marriage? Second, I would have trust issues.

I wish you clarity and strength in your decision making.

Finally, I would like to add that my husband and I had a biological child 19 months after adopting our daughter. This was a surprise to say the least. I remember a co-worker saying to my husband " Now you'll know what it's like to be a real father." Ouch. Like you, this co-worker placed a premium on having a biological connection to a child.

Now that our children are 10 and 8, I can say love and connection cannot be measured. Yes, my son had my husbands nose and my eyes, but he is not "us". Our daughter is not "us". But they are our children and we are their parents through thick and thin, forever.

Ronna Lichtenberg's answer is great. The truth is, if your love for her isn't bigger than any obstacle you may face, then you probably need to walk away in the manner described by Ronna.

Surrogacy doesn't deny you your biological connection, because your sperm is used to fertilize the egg of another or the eggs of your wife if retrievable. But, if you don't like that option, your need or desire to have your own biological children will become like an insidious disease that subtly eats away at the very foundation of your relationship, at which point leaving will be exponentially more painful than leaving now will be.

It all turns on whether you can honestly accept not having your own biological children. Some can do that; some cannot. Wishing you the best.

EDIT: The fact that you've asked the question means that mentally you're already half-way to divorce. When divorce is kept in the back of one's mind as an option, it weakens one's commitment to stay married and/or to work on any issues with your spouse.

As to Dakota Lim's assertion that your wife will find another to marry and that love always finds its way....I'm afraid you can't count on those assertions always holding true. At 40, I thought I'd be remarried in five years....I mean, isn't everyone? The reality: I had only one date the first seven years, even though a grad school classmate, in expressing his surprise that I wasn't dating, described me as radiant. In 29 yrs. I've not met anyone with whom I click and the two marriage proposals I received were from two men who, though good people, were trying to meet their own needs and weren't concerned with mine.

As for love finding its way....it's a lovely, comforting thought, but real life and real people and the need for a little good luck make reality very different and very unpredictable. If there was ever a love that should have found its way but didn’t, it was the love my former husband and I had for each other. He left for no reason that made sense (though I suspect was, in part, b/c of an environment a very old mistake/action of mine unexpectedly created) while saying I still love you and offering five yrs. later that “we'd still be married if I hadn't ‘wanted’ to go to law school,” but his parents would have never tolerated his changing his mind, so, instead, he buried those feelings to become a monster who alienated our children from their mother where they remain 31 yrs. later, even though he's been gone six years.

Reality can be pretty darn ugly, so skip the flowery platitudes and follow your heart. Just don't keep your wife out of circulation for years when you know in your heart you won't be happy without biological children. Women have an internal, physiological expiration date and, in some cultures like the U.S., they also have an external one, neither of which men have. So, be considerate of that.

Christians would interpret this situation as God telling them that He wants them to do something else with their love of children...something more noble and selfless maybe. Ever hear all the stories about infertile couples who adopt a child, then suddenly the wife is pregnant? It's the giving up and letting go of both the desire and need to have biological children that relaxes the couple and makes fertilization possible.

But, honestly, you've already got one foot in divorce court, so, if you must, let her go now in a loving, gracious manner that allows her to keep her dignity while recognizing it isn't because of her infertility; it's because your love for her isn't greater than her particular limitation that’s not her fault. Hopefully, she can have what every woman deserves....to be loved unconditionally just as she is.

Also know, though, that everything has its price. Losing a great love, missing an important opportunity to grow as a person — to strengthen one's character and become a better person — are just some of the trade-offs that result from how we choose to deal with obstacles and challenges like infertility that are put in our way for just that purpose. But, you may not know until it's too late whether the price you paid for walking away and abandoning your wife was too high.