What life lessons are counter-intuitive or go against common sense or wisdom?
For example, being loud and obnoxious is surprisingly useful / effective most of the time.
100+ Answers
Here's one that goes against a lot of conventional wisdom:
Money CAN buy happiness.
It's often said that money can't buy happiness, but this is not true. It's merely true that:
Rather, one should view money merely as a medium by which you exchange your own effort for products and services which you truly want and which make you happier. As you get on in life, you will eventually begin to make more money (while you are young, learn to enjoy the parts of life which do not require money - e.g. building relationships). Focus on spending this money in ways that improve your happiness and reduce your stress levels, and be cautious about using it to buy things that other people say you "should" buy.
Here are some ways which may be specific to me, but could also apply broadly. You shouldn't try to apply all of them; it's just that when you come into some money, try doing one or two of them as they appeal to you:
Money CAN buy happiness.
It's often said that money can't buy happiness, but this is not true. It's merely true that:
- Chasing more and more money is not a route to happiness. You shouldn't try specifically to acquire more money in the hopes that it will make you happy but rather, once you have money, think carefully about how you can use it to increase your happiness.
- Using money to buy the wrong things (often: things which are popular, things which other people desire, things which require much manual upkeep or worry - see #3) does not result in happiness.
- People often use money to buy things which they then spend time worrying about, rather than purchasing things which allow them to worry less.
Rather, one should view money merely as a medium by which you exchange your own effort for products and services which you truly want and which make you happier. As you get on in life, you will eventually begin to make more money (while you are young, learn to enjoy the parts of life which do not require money - e.g. building relationships). Focus on spending this money in ways that improve your happiness and reduce your stress levels, and be cautious about using it to buy things that other people say you "should" buy.
Here are some ways which may be specific to me, but could also apply broadly. You shouldn't try to apply all of them; it's just that when you come into some money, try doing one or two of them as they appeal to you:
- Buy a nice bed. Buy a very nice mattress and high-thread-count sheets. You will need to test out a variety of mattresses to find the one that fits you best but if you find the right one, it will greatly enhance the quality of your sleep, and subsequently, your waking life. You spend 33% of your life here as well and a mattress and sheets are often used for many years, so it is financially sensible to optimize in this area.
- Improve your commute by living closer to work. Studies on happiness indicate that people are least happy when commuting. The best way to optimize this is to commute as little as possible. This may mean spending more money to rent or buy a place closer to your place of business (assuming you don't already work from home), where rents are often higher. In my life, I have consistently paid higher rents in order to live close to where I work and it has always been worth every penny - not only in time saved (which is straight-up savings), but in eliminating commuting fatigue, dodging traffic frustration, reducing the impact of scheduling glitches, etc. If you live close enough to walk a few blocks to work, this is usually ideal.
- Improve your commute by buying a nice car. If you must commute, spend the money on buying the right car for you. This might not be a fancy sports car or a luxury sedan, but it should be a car that is pleasantly suited to your personal style, whether that means an exciting drive, a pleasant interior, a premium sound system, a convertible, or something else. There are a great variety of cars designed for different demographics and personalities, so explore outside your habitual brand (you might have started life, as many do, with an econobox sedan) and see if there's something that fits you more personally. Again: avoid popular sentiment.
- Fix your computing experience. If you are on Quora, you probably spend a lot of time on the computer. If it's slow or you have a frustrating problem that you've "learned to live with," get this problem fixed. People often underestimate the importance of their holistic user experience on a computer. Personally, I recommend getting a Mac, but this is not for everyone. Either way, if there is a way you can spend money to eliminate glitches in your everyday computing experience, do it. Maybe you need to get a new laptop but have convinced yourself that it would be a frivolous expenditure - after all, the old one works "well enough." No, it doesn't. You use it for hours a day and it should be a perfect machine for you. Get it fixed or get a new one - you can always give away or sell the old one at a steep discount to someone else who will be overjoyed to have it. It will get rid of little stressors and allow you to concentrate your mind more fully on the experience of consuming and exchanging information, rather than the mechanics of it.
- Create a "life randomly screwed me over" self-insurance fund. Every so often, random things that happen which aren't anyone's fault will strike you, causing perhaps a couple weeks worth of worry and headache. For example, your car may develop a problem that takes several hundred dollars to fix. No one broke it; it just happened due to normal wear and tear, and because your insurance has a deductible, you will have to pay out of pocket and now your cash flow for the month is severely screwed up. Create an insurance fund for yourself, and put some money in it every month. What this fund is used for is circumstances where you have to contend with a problem and if you just had some money it would go away. Sometimes random problems can be made to go away if you just throw money at them, and this fund will allow you to do that.
- Overtip everywhere you go. Usually, the only way to be treated like royalty at restaurants and service establishments is to be a celebrity (or royalty). The other way is to be the person known for tipping well. Especially at places you frequent often, make a point of tipping extremely well - at least in the 20 - 25% range or more (especially for small-dollar amounts, where you can tip high percentages without spending a large absolute amount). The idea is to stand out as the person who tips significantly better than all the other customers. The employees there will get to know you astoundingly quickly, they will memorize your preferences, they will learn your name (even if it is a weird ethnic one), they will ask after your health, and they will make a point of asking if there is anything extra that you'd like (and sometimes comp you stuff) and generally go to great, polite lengths to make sure you are happy. You will feel like a celebrity and when you bring your friends, it will impress them that the proprietor knows you and treats you so well. Real celebrities don't really come around that often (unless you're living in L.A.), so you will end up being the special customer they lavish all their attention on - the local high-roller. Especially if you aren't actually rich, you are just choosing to be a great tipper, it will make you seem like a really great person. All of this extraordinary service can be had by simply voluntarily marking up your own bill by 10% over the usual cost. Did you get a raise? If so, don't go eating at a nicer restaurant, stay at the same restaurant you've enjoyed all along, and just pay more for better service.
- Entertainment centers. This one is highly dependent on individual tastes. Do you like movies? Video games? Listening to music? All of these experiences can be improved by judiciously upgrading your entertainment center, and the cost of doing so drops every year. In our case, we found that purchasing a high-definition home projector system was cheaper than getting a larger television (i.e. larger than 37") - and this was 5 years ago; the price curves have improved even more since then. One of the biggest mistakes that people do is buying large televisions, when HD projector systems now cost significantly less (sometimes by an order of magnitude) - let me reiterate: buying big televisions is the popular mistake that lots of people make; getting a projector system is not. In our case, this has made every single movie, video game, and television experience akin to being in a movie theater, except that it's now all on demand and we don't have to ever deal with other movie theater patrons and can pause things to go to the bathroom without missing crucial action. We never go to movie theaters (thus avoiding lines and schedules), video games are a wholly immersive experience, and best of all, it makes for a great social experience when friends are over because anyone can see the screen from any position in the room. It's not something you can fully understand until you have one, and it doesn't get old.
- Travel to see friends and family. If you're part of the new modern mobile generation, your family is probably spread out, and if you're post-college, your friends are probably now scattered around the nation/world. Studies show that the keys to happiness are a healthy network of friends and family, so if you've been putting off that trip to see them (like you usually wait until the holidays), cash in some vacation days and go take an extra trip now instead. They'll be happy to see you.
- Learn to cook a couple favorite meals, and use premium ingredients. The "learn to cook" part doesn't actually spend more money; it's often much cheaper than going out to eat. However, the idea here is to pick a single dish that you really like, and learn to cook just that dish, and cook it over and over and over again. Once you start to get good at it, start spending money to buy the absolute top-end premium ingredients. Practiced over years, this will result you being able to provide yourself with your own favorite meal, tuned exactly to your tastes, and produced at an exceptionally high level with the finest ingredients you are able to procure. In my case, this turned out to be steak. A friend and I began cooking this something like 7 years ago, successively learning better and better methods of grilling it. At first it was just a cheap way to eat steak often, until our grilling ability advanced to the point where the quality of meat became the limiting factor, so we began purchasing very high-end cuts and now we are able to consistently produce steak that rivals or exceeds that of the most expensive steak restaurants I've ever been to (back then, we'd go to nice steak restaurants but within the last couple of years we've just stopped, because I can't stand to eat steak that's worse than what I can make myself while paying a premium for it). I still wouldn't say that I'm someone who "can cook," but I can make this one meal that I love and when I do, I can comfortably know that it's worthwhile to splurge on the best raw ingredients, because I now have the skill to put them to their best use (I have now extended this ability to 3 or 4 other favored dishes).
- Psychotherapy. According to this research (http://www.sciencedaily.
com/rele...), psychological therapy is "32 times more effective at increasing happiness than having more money." This implies that if you are suffering from anything at all, even possibly the most trivial of mental ailments (e.g. the lines at the Apple Store are too long), it is probably worth it to spend your money paying for a psychotherapist. I've done this, and it is totally true.
-Self promotion works: People like to hang around with people that impress them. You can't be obnoxious, of course, but don't wait for someone else to tell the world how awesome you are.
-Success has little to do with waiting patiently: The old advice was get a "good job," please the bosses, and wait your turn; and save and invest patiently over decades. I think this would be roundly seen as bad advice by the Quora community, but just 1-2 generations ago, this was absolutely rock solid advice. 30-40 years with one employer was the norm. The stock market was seen as a safe investment. And promotions were earned by putting in your time.
-You choose who you love: Despite the romantic notion, people don't magically stay in love for years or decades. After the first few months (when your chemistry is in control of your emotions), love is a choice that you make every single day, and when you stop making the choice to love, you start falling out of love right away.
-What college you go to doesn't matter: OK, so that's hyperbole, but success is determined much more by the ability of the individual, not the school that they attend (see: http://www.nytimes.com/20
-Retirement is boring: when people primarily worked in manual labor for decades, retirement was a chance to rest after wearing your body out. Retirement was seen as "the golden years" when finally people could focus on their hobbies and other interests. Now, since people mostly work with their brains, retiring is a quick path to boredom and restlessness.
-Focus on your strengths: much is made of people's weaknesses. You are often told that you should get better at things you are not so good at - leveling courses, sensitivity training, working your arms to balance out your legs, etc. In reality, you will achieve more if you do more of the things you are good at. Outsource the things you are bad at. Find team members that complement your weak areas. Somehow this important lesson of economic specialization got lost in the quest for "well roundedness."
-Being interesting is the result of being interested: being interesting or cool or exciting is seen as an important end, and something to work for. But, in reality, it is the natural outgrowth of the opposite quality: being a curious person, interested in people and things outside of yourself, is the way to acquire knowledge and insights. When possible, ask "why" - the answers will help you learn, which will make you interesting.
-You can't be anything you want to be: This is one of the most trite statements and nearly every adult says it to every child. Mostly, it sets kids up for unrealistic expectations. Because, frankly, most kids just want to be famous. And most will not even be internet-famous. The reality is that you can be anything you want to be only if you have incredible focus, determination, perseverance, luck, connections, chutzpah, a positive attitude, a giving spirit, luck, people skills, the right connections, clarity in defining success, and dozens of other things (suggestions welcome).
-Annuities are a good investment: For most people, most of the time, annuities play an important role in stabilizing income, which is more important than a particular fixed amount of wealth. Annuities have a bad rap, but especially with the decline of pensions, they should be in the retirement basket for most of Quora's audience's parents.
-Owning a home is not a stable path to wealth: The entire mortgage and home equity industry, realtors, title insurance companies, and home inspectors all depend on perpetuating this myth. Even after controlling for the craziness in the housing market for the past few years, the post-inflation return of housing stock in the US is around 1%. That's not a great investment - that's a savings plan with low liquidity, high transaction costs, and huge fees in the form of ongoing maintenance.
-Success has little to do with waiting patiently: The old advice was get a "good job," please the bosses, and wait your turn; and save and invest patiently over decades. I think this would be roundly seen as bad advice by the Quora community, but just 1-2 generations ago, this was absolutely rock solid advice. 30-40 years with one employer was the norm. The stock market was seen as a safe investment. And promotions were earned by putting in your time.
-You choose who you love: Despite the romantic notion, people don't magically stay in love for years or decades. After the first few months (when your chemistry is in control of your emotions), love is a choice that you make every single day, and when you stop making the choice to love, you start falling out of love right away.
-What college you go to doesn't matter: OK, so that's hyperbole, but success is determined much more by the ability of the individual, not the school that they attend (see: http://www.nytimes.com/20
-Retirement is boring: when people primarily worked in manual labor for decades, retirement was a chance to rest after wearing your body out. Retirement was seen as "the golden years" when finally people could focus on their hobbies and other interests. Now, since people mostly work with their brains, retiring is a quick path to boredom and restlessness.
-Focus on your strengths: much is made of people's weaknesses. You are often told that you should get better at things you are not so good at - leveling courses, sensitivity training, working your arms to balance out your legs, etc. In reality, you will achieve more if you do more of the things you are good at. Outsource the things you are bad at. Find team members that complement your weak areas. Somehow this important lesson of economic specialization got lost in the quest for "well roundedness."
-Being interesting is the result of being interested: being interesting or cool or exciting is seen as an important end, and something to work for. But, in reality, it is the natural outgrowth of the opposite quality: being a curious person, interested in people and things outside of yourself, is the way to acquire knowledge and insights. When possible, ask "why" - the answers will help you learn, which will make you interesting.
-You can't be anything you want to be: This is one of the most trite statements and nearly every adult says it to every child. Mostly, it sets kids up for unrealistic expectations. Because, frankly, most kids just want to be famous. And most will not even be internet-famous. The reality is that you can be anything you want to be only if you have incredible focus, determination, perseverance, luck, connections, chutzpah, a positive attitude, a giving spirit, luck, people skills, the right connections, clarity in defining success, and dozens of other things (suggestions welcome).
-Annuities are a good investment: For most people, most of the time, annuities play an important role in stabilizing income, which is more important than a particular fixed amount of wealth. Annuities have a bad rap, but especially with the decline of pensions, they should be in the retirement basket for most of Quora's audience's parents.
-Owning a home is not a stable path to wealth: The entire mortgage and home equity industry, realtors, title insurance companies, and home inspectors all depend on perpetuating this myth. Even after controlling for the craziness in the housing market for the past few years, the post-inflation return of housing stock in the US is around 1%. That's not a great investment - that's a savings plan with low liquidity, high transaction costs, and huge fees in the form of ongoing maintenance.
Here are a few that come to mind:
Happiness = Outcome - Expectations. The key to enjoying life is keeping expectations low to the degree that you're always pleasantly surprised.
You can accomplish more if you work less and sleep more. Hypothetically a well-rested person working 55-hour work weeks can usually outperform a sleep-deprived person working 80-hour work weeks in terms of quality, all else equal (specifically for knowledge work).
Better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Caveats: so long as it fits within your ethical framework and the perceived penalty is tolerable (not advisable in foreign countries however haha). People die regretting all the things they didn't do rather than the things they did do.
You can pay the farmer, or you can pay the doctor. Prevention (i.e. good diet and food ingredients) is an order of magnitude cheaper than treatment (most age-related diseases are correlated with poor dietary choices).
Your willpower/concentration is a finite resource, replenished when you sleep. Students who were asked to exert willpower by not eating enticing cookies put before them for a period of time spent an average of 8 minutes trying to solve an impossible puzzle. Students who could freely indulge in the cookies attempted to solve the puzzle for an average of 32 minutes.
Behavior is controlled more by your environment than your own willpower. If you try to stop watching TV your willpower will eventually break. If you get rid of your TV and use a browser extension to block Hulu/YouTube your habit will more readily break.
A cheap chair and mattress may end up costing you 10-20x in doctor's bills. Most of us spend the majority of our 24-hour day sitting in a chair or sleeping on a mattress so it's not surprising that most back problems originate from poor sitting/sleeping posture. The extra money spent in getting a good Aeron chair and foam mattress pays for itself in the long-run.
Work output does not scale linearly with manpower. The marginal benefit of adding a sixth or seventh person to a team rarely outweighs the marginal costs associated with additional communication and collaboration effort (specifically for knowledge work that requires close collaboration like software development).
Children's personalities are influenced more by parents' actions than words. By doing something (working hard, smoking, etc.) you are actively endorsing that behavior for your children. The more time you spend around them, the more influential behavioral signals become relative to spoken demands/requests ("you should work harder," "please stop smoking," etc.)
For more:
Spoken communication has a massive non-verbal component. Study body language and you'll be pretty shocked at how often peoples' spoken words contradict their telltale non-verbal cues.
Intelligence and skill level are subject to diminishing returns. Beyond a certain threshold of intelligence and skill, the efficacy bottlenecks quickly become your ability to communicate, get along with others, prioritize, focus, structure your thinking in advance, manage your time well, etc.
The biggest risk is not taking one.
I'll leave this one open to interpretation :)
Happiness = Outcome - Expectations. The key to enjoying life is keeping expectations low to the degree that you're always pleasantly surprised.
You can accomplish more if you work less and sleep more. Hypothetically a well-rested person working 55-hour work weeks can usually outperform a sleep-deprived person working 80-hour work weeks in terms of quality, all else equal (specifically for knowledge work).
Better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Caveats: so long as it fits within your ethical framework and the perceived penalty is tolerable (not advisable in foreign countries however haha). People die regretting all the things they didn't do rather than the things they did do.
You can pay the farmer, or you can pay the doctor. Prevention (i.e. good diet and food ingredients) is an order of magnitude cheaper than treatment (most age-related diseases are correlated with poor dietary choices).
Your willpower/concentration is a finite resource, replenished when you sleep. Students who were asked to exert willpower by not eating enticing cookies put before them for a period of time spent an average of 8 minutes trying to solve an impossible puzzle. Students who could freely indulge in the cookies attempted to solve the puzzle for an average of 32 minutes.
Behavior is controlled more by your environment than your own willpower. If you try to stop watching TV your willpower will eventually break. If you get rid of your TV and use a browser extension to block Hulu/YouTube your habit will more readily break.
A cheap chair and mattress may end up costing you 10-20x in doctor's bills. Most of us spend the majority of our 24-hour day sitting in a chair or sleeping on a mattress so it's not surprising that most back problems originate from poor sitting/sleeping posture. The extra money spent in getting a good Aeron chair and foam mattress pays for itself in the long-run.
Work output does not scale linearly with manpower. The marginal benefit of adding a sixth or seventh person to a team rarely outweighs the marginal costs associated with additional communication and collaboration effort (specifically for knowledge work that requires close collaboration like software development).
Children's personalities are influenced more by parents' actions than words. By doing something (working hard, smoking, etc.) you are actively endorsing that behavior for your children. The more time you spend around them, the more influential behavioral signals become relative to spoken demands/requests ("you should work harder," "please stop smoking," etc.)
For more:
Spoken communication has a massive non-verbal component. Study body language and you'll be pretty shocked at how often peoples' spoken words contradict their telltale non-verbal cues.
Intelligence and skill level are subject to diminishing returns. Beyond a certain threshold of intelligence and skill, the efficacy bottlenecks quickly become your ability to communicate, get along with others, prioritize, focus, structure your thinking in advance, manage your time well, etc.
The biggest risk is not taking one.
I'll leave this one open to interpretation :)
The best lesson I learned is that common sense is not always wise or makes sense! Okay, so some things are common sense, like the pictures below.
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Source: 38 Hilarious Warning Signs that Will Make you Lose All Faith in Humanity!
But if you really look at common sense,it doesn't actually make sense.
You can look at history to see what I mean:
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Source: Whitman's poem
"The word common, by definition, suggests that common sense is held by a large number of people. But the idea that if most people think something makes sense then it must be sound judgment has been disproved time and time again. And, by the way, common sense is often used by people who don't have the real knowledge, expertise, or direct experience to actually make sound judgments."Common Sense Is Neither Common nor Sense"
YIKES!!!! THAT SUCKS!
The Solution
The only solution is to think for YOU. Don't go with the herd. Question when the herd is going in one direction. It might be common sense, but it doesn't mean it's wise or makes sense!
But if you really look at common sense,it doesn't actually make sense.
You can look at history to see what I mean:
- The earth is flat
- Pluto is a planet
- The universe revolves around us (Unfortunately, some people still believe this!)
- The Salem witch trials
"The word common, by definition, suggests that common sense is held by a large number of people. But the idea that if most people think something makes sense then it must be sound judgment has been disproved time and time again. And, by the way, common sense is often used by people who don't have the real knowledge, expertise, or direct experience to actually make sound judgments."Common Sense Is Neither Common nor Sense"
YIKES!!!! THAT SUCKS!
The Solution
The only solution is to think for YOU. Don't go with the herd. Question when the herd is going in one direction. It might be common sense, but it doesn't mean it's wise or makes sense!
(there are some good ones up there!)
What you can sit with, you can move beyond.
It is counter-intuitive for some to think that accepting a feeling makes it easier to change, or work with. Many people that don't have a lot of experience sitting with their own feelings frequently find themselves utterly controlled by them, or numb to them- in which case they "leak out" in weird ways.
Many people try to get away from their uncomfortable feelings, afraid that letting themselves feel the feeling means it will never go away, or that it will take over.
Being afraid of being/seeming/feeling incompetent as an example:
(concepts from Buddhism & psychotherapy)
What you can sit with, you can move beyond.
It is counter-intuitive for some to think that accepting a feeling makes it easier to change, or work with. Many people that don't have a lot of experience sitting with their own feelings frequently find themselves utterly controlled by them, or numb to them- in which case they "leak out" in weird ways.
Many people try to get away from their uncomfortable feelings, afraid that letting themselves feel the feeling means it will never go away, or that it will take over.
Being afraid of being/seeming/feeling incompetent as an example:
- Some people are very uncomfortable feeling incompetent. They will do many things to avoid feeling this, including not trying new things, focusing heavily on the incompetence of others (as a distraction from self) and possibly shaming or blaming them, berating themselves for not getting things right the first time (perhaps letting the feeling control them rather than accepting and sitting with it). I'm sure many can relate to the sense of not being comfortable when they notice their own incompetent moments and the fears and other feelings that may come up.
- The easier it is for a person to acknowledge without judgment, their own incompetence, the easier it is to learn new things. Once someone has gained enough mastery over a new task, they are no longer incompetent. Yet, the degree they are comfortable with the sense of feeling incompetent the faster getting to the mastery stage will go. No one starts out doing things perfectly, ever, and being ok with not being good out of the gate, can also allow for fun and creativity.
- Additionally, when one is comfortable with their own incompetent moments, it is easier to accept the incompetent moments in others. It also hedges against 'the perfect being the enemy of the good,' i.e. rejecting good work because it isn't exactly as someone else would do it. This doesn't mean condone bad work, it does mean helping someone use the experience as a learning moment, rather than using it as a way to shame them and interrupting the growth, creativity and mastery process.
(concepts from Buddhism & psychotherapy)
