What is it like being a man on a dating site?

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32 Answers

Andrew Ross Long, A student of online dating

Answered 347w ago · Author has 471 answers and 1m answer views

The first thing you have to understand is the bias of the medium.

The medium of the web includes a bias towards low-to-zero communication costs. So, while few men would try a pseudo-random, scatter-shot approach to dating, such as standing on a street corner randomly inviting every woman who passed by if they want to "get busy", the Internet allows just such an approach.

This creates a very low signal-to-noise ratio for women vis-a-vie suitable suitors (see the related thread in the description for many women complaining of this very problem).

The essence of "winning" the dating game as a male is to stand out. So how do you stand out on a dating site? You have to be different, and the main ways to do this are through your profile, and through your messages.You have to craft messages that demonstrate that you've read the woman's profile, that demonstrate your superior intellect, your superior humor, your fascinating ability to lead and tell stories, etc.

So, let's set the stage, shall we? Consider the following:

Women get, on average, 10x the messages men get. In fact, the most attractive women on a given site get as much as 25x the messages an 'average' girl will get. [1]
Women respond to maybe 1/10th the messages they receive.
There is a 90% chance that a given message I send will be ignored, either because I don't pass her 5-second-test, or because she didn't even bother to read my message, it was so buried under other douchebaggery.
There is a 99% chance that a given message I send will be ignored if it's a generic "hey baby, what's up" message; because this blends in, instead of standing out.
So my only chance is to write something really different: and even then, I probably only stand about a 10% chance of reply. At best.

Now, what you have to do:

In order to get one reply, I probably need to send 10 good messages to 10 different women.
This means a time investment of 5-10 minutes per message: reading her profile, reviewing some of her questions, understanding her 'thing', tailoring the message to her unique sense of humor, writing a strong call to action, etc.
My total time investment per week is therefore ~ 70 minutes (assuming 7 minutes per message average x 10 messages)
My expected total return per week for this 1 hour 10 minutes of work is one message from a woman I've pre-screened and can see myself sleeping with or dating (note: because there is no way to read her 'energetic' vibe through the website, I am always taking a big risk that she'll show up and just be totally, thoroughly wrong for me, even if we do manage to negotiate a meet).

Let me remind you: that's just one message. That's not a meet up for coffee, that's not a guarantee of anything: it's just a returned message. Typically, it says something like "lol you're funny" or "haven't we met before" or something that took her 10 seconds to write.

This sounds like a pretty terrible RoI no matter how you cut it.

I personally would rather spend that ~1 hour per week doing something really constructive, such as working on a blog, or in a coffee shop or at a bar socializing, or planning a game night or even meditating. All of these things are likely to be more personally rewarding to me than crafting messages on some dumb dating website.

In addition, some of them might even facilitate my meeting an attractive woman I might wind up dating.

[1] http://blog.okcupid.com/index.ph...

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Jeremy Jameson, been married, dated some women, know some psychology

Answered 135w ago · Author has 1.2k answers and 2.2m answer views

Originally Answered: What is it like being a man on dating site?

Well, I can speak for myself at least. It wasn't too bad; after all, I do plan to go back in due time. When I first signed up for OkCupid, it had been a little over a year since my divorce was finalized. I had never tried online dating before - other than test-driving a couple of other dating sites before settling comfortably in at OkC. I was pleased to see they didn't paywall messaging, and that the free version of the site was totally functional while the paid memberships just added some nice bonus features. But I came to appreciate how they treated me as a customer and how they designed and ran their platform enough to subscribe to A-list after a few months.

I started out like I bet many do: struggling to put together a decent profile, reciprocating visits just because it seemed like the thing to do, etc. After awhile I realized there was no correlation between compatibility and visits, so I started doing my own custom match search and initiating the visits myself (instead of reacting to incoming visits). When I got A-list, I also started visiting the people who rated my profile highly ("liked" it) - but only saw moderate correlation between compatibility and ratings. Ultimately, I decided that the only signal that was truly worthwhile was an incoming message - and otherwise I'd rely on my own custom search to find interesting matches. This strategy served me pretty well once I adopted it.

Over time and several iterations, I tuned my profile - sometimes just with tweaks, other times with complete overhauls - to improve it while still all the while remaining honest. I also got better at sending shorter, more interesting first messages. A lot of matches ended up being hidden before I bothered sending a message because I found a few red flags while I thoroughly explored their profiles. If I wasn't searching for matches, I was probably answering questions - and at one point I had several thousands of answered questions on there. Then if I wasn't doing either of those things, I was probably responding to messages. I probably received a better response rate than the average guy (especially those who churn out copy & paste come-ons), but plenty of my first messages were never answered - either because she didn't find it interesting or never saw it in the first place (hard to tell which was the case with no feedback whatsoever). A-list gave me read confirmations though, so if I got a confirm but no reply, I figured she wasn't interested; otherwise, my message must not have been read. But maybe 10 - 15% did reply, and several of those turned into lively conversations, and most lively conversations led to a first date. So I ended up having lots of interesting discussions and met several charming women - but no romantic relationships resulted from all this activity. Somehow each time life (hers or mine) got in the way. But, for the most part, it was a fun time in which I also learned some things.

The stuff that wasn't fun included - most of all - times when it would be many browsed matches before I finally found one worth messaging. Also, sending a message to a very interesting match but never hearing back from her sucks. Then there were those women with whom I got into some nice conversations, but we lived too far away from each other to make meeting a practical idea. People who ghost from conversations are also annoying - and then there was that one woman who was kind of on the young range for me to be dating her (early 20s, while I was almost 30) and whose parents got concerned when they realized who she was talking to (based solely on my age and the fact that I was a divorcee - and we were still only messaging before we even got a chance to meet), so she complied with their recommendation that she cut communications. That was lame. Other women I met moved to another state, was too preoccupied with her work, had communication issues with me (2 of them), etc.

But overall it was a positive experience, and I became somewhat of a guru in how to best use the OkC platform (and was issuing advice to others regularly). They also offered me into a volunteer mod role, so I spent some of my moments when I was utterly bored checking flagged content to vote on whether I saw it as violating the rules or not. Most often this was pictures that people were contesting as NTU (not the user), with a few instances of nudity thrown in for good measure. Sometimes I was stuck scratching my head trying to figure out how people thought a picture was breaking the rules - like when the pic didn't clearly show the user's whole face but wasn't an extreme closeup or anything indecent. It seemed to me some were a bit too rabid in flagging, so I voted against those takedowns or - if I wasn't sure either way - would just not pick a side. I once warned (in a friendly manner) a match I was messaging to tell her that her profile pic would probably be flagged by someone because it didn't seem to show her at all. Then I found out that technically it did (she was a very tiny part of a distance shot with stuff dominating the foreground that made it harder to see her) and she found out I was a mod (but I assured her I wouldn't have reported her anyway unless she was breaking one of the more serious rules).

In summary, I earned a reputation for being a respectful, helpful gentleman, had fun meeting some wonderful women and having pleasant chats with many, visited some new (to me) places as a result of my dates, and will be happy to return to OkCupid after my current hiatus. :)

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William Treseder, Entrepreneur, Husband, Father, Marine

Answered 261w ago · Author has 95 answers and 602.7k answer views

All the answers here touch on interesting aspects, although Jan Leadbetter's struck me as a one-in-a-million experience.

I've been significantly less fortunate after 12 disappointing months of online dating in San Francisco, the world's tech capital where we had flocks of recent female college graduates out looking for dates using dating apps and websites.

Uncomfortable level of transparency: I'm 6'4", pretty good-looking, Stanford educated, have great friends and a supportive family, make good money, and am (reasonably) sane. I have tried match.com, okcupid, tinder, and coffeemeetsbagel. And I hate them all.

The simple truth you learn over time is that men suck at dating in general. Why? Because we are manipulated so easily by physical appearances. This means we play by a simpler set of rules than women.

Bottom line: Men play checkers when dating, or trying to date. Women play chess.

My ONE SIMPLE RULE that I now follow to even things out? "She looks like her worst picture in person. Plan accordingly."*

What do I mean? This sounds like a Tucker Max (think ultimate d-bag) thing to say, and you are free to judge me. Or you can suspend the emotionally satisfying response and read on. Your choice.

Men are slaves to looks, and women use makeup and fashion to augment the way they look. Think about the things a man can do to improve his appearance: buy new clothes or try to improve his physique. That's about it.

Women construct elaborate "looks" mostly because they are constantly being judged by other women. Men are secondary targets, and much easier to attract/impress. Women therefore hone their skills beyond what is needed simply for dating.

A man can ascend the social hierarchy buy signalling to others that he is successful - nice clothes, nice cars, freely spending money, lavish trips, et cetera.

Women can ascend the social hierarchy in a similar fashion, but can also use a parallel track where they emphasize a coherent suite of complementary aesthetics - also called a "look".

To grossly oversimplify (and probably offend some people) let's consider two people:
- A man who is a 5 (on the 1-10 scale of physical attractiveness) can drop/gain a few pounds as needed and dress nicer, maybe making it to a 6 or 7.
- A woman who is a 5 can do the same thing, plus integrate various skin and hair products, then use makeup to emphasize her best facial features and can probably receive the attention due an 8 or even a 9 if she's really good. That woman will know her best angles, posture, poses, et cetera. She is the equivalent of a master, having easily put in the requisite 10,000 hours of practice since middle school.

What does this mean? It means that when a guy is at a bar and turns his head to look at the woman walking in the door, he is responding to the cumulative effect of significant work on the woman's part. AND HE DOES NOT REALIZE IT.

A woman, on the other hand, can intuitively deconstruct the looks of other women. After all, she constructs her own look every day. This means she knows that the (apparent) 9 is actually a 5. She is playing chess.

Men do not construct looks, and therefore can not deconstruct them - at least not in any intuitive way. We respond viscerally based on the surface aesthetic, meaning we are hopelessly outmatched in this game. We are playing checkers - and losing, I might add.

So, online dating . . . My answer flows logically from the argument above. Women, posting pictures of themselves with certain "looks", hook gobs of men on a regular basis. It's basically the "one egg and lots of sperm" metaphor used by Kai Peter Chang in his answer.

Men are like the Golden Retriever in Up, constantly seeing "artificially" attractive women in pictures on every dating site. Squirrel? Squirrel? Squirrel?

So, men, you can follow ONE SIMPLE RULE (but you won't, because you're a guy like me and are playing checkers). The ONE SIMPLE RULE is - "She looks like her worst picture. Plan accordingly."*

*While this harsh trush is not without its problems as a rule, I have found that it saves time and energy for both parties, and avoids the inevitable disappointment following a date based on a false premise.

DISCLAIMER: I'm obviously speaking in generalities. None of this is meant to predict individual behavior or experience; it's only an approximate guide for thinking through the online dating world.

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Kai Peter Chang, works at TED

Updated 146w ago · Author has 302 answers and 5.8m answer views

Online dating is perfectly symbolized by the very act of sex and fertilization itself: - one egg surrounded by millions of furiously squirming sperm all trying to get in. Nearly every sperm will die trying, with the exception of the lucky one whose combination of attributes (strength & stamina) and starting position happen to connect with the egg.

Great deal for the egg, lousy deal for the individual sperm.

But don't take my word for it.

Someone actually RAN a multi-month experiment on this very subject matter with a spread of fake profiles, male and female of varying levels of physical attractiveness. The results were as expected, but very shocking for those who are unfamiliar with the world of hot women and female hypergamy.

Original Post on the experiment:
http://jonmillward.com/blog/attr...

Sharply-worded commentary by a pickup blog on the results:
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2...

TL;DR: A man in the top 5 percentile of looks will pull less interest than a Plain Jane middle-of-the-distribution female, and for guys who do NOT cut model-level cheekbones and 6'0+ height, the statistics are far grimmer.

Excerpt:

As we can see, the two hottest girls are cleaning up in the attention sweepstakes. The two hottest men get a few bites, but because they are men and have no personal concept of the sheer volume of sexual attention that hot women experience during their brief window of prime fertility, they think they are Kings of Maine.
Handsome Joe: “Hey, Emma, I got eight messages this week! I’m in demand!”
Exquisite Emma: “Oh, uh, hee hee… that’s great Joe!”
Handsome Joe: “How many did you get?”
Exquisite Emma: “128.”
Handsome Joe:

...

This is not to say that women don’t care about looks; only that women compartmentalize looks along with other, less physically tangible male characteristics that they are subconsciously attracted to in men. Less facially gifted men with game should be heartened by these online results: they show that a tight email message that exhibits the qualities of the preselected alpha male can draw the interest of cute girls who might otherwise dismiss these men based solely on their photos.

==================

Andrew Ross Long is correct that a man who desires a nonzero results from dating websites must invest substantial time for even modest replies. The promise that online dating would help you "save time" by helping you connect with thousands of local singles is an illusion, an illusion sold to introverted nerds eager to buy the notion that they can insulate themselves the terrifying task of approaching a woman they find desirable in person and risk rejection.

Any women you may find desirable online is likely bombarded by thousands of other suitors JUST LIKE YOU making similar approaches, and your message sits aside thousands of others like it in her inbox. She cannot date all of them, and it is almost certain you are not the tallest, smartest, funniest or most-accomplished guy who approaches her.

At 6'0 and (I hope) a reasonably well-written profile, including a full spread of photos (with the year they were taken so it's clear I'm not banking on an old perfectly shot image) and here are my stats:
* three to four visitors a week on average
* one or two incoming messages every six months
* historically, 100% of my girlfriend/long-term-dating relationships came from live pulls (met at a mutual friend's party, conference, grocery store, nonprofit fundraiser gala, etc.)

If you are shorter than me (which 95% of men are), have more blandly-written/ boring profile, I imagine you'd get even worse response rates.

Overall conclusion: ROI for men on dating sites is TERRIBLE.

BONUS ADVICE:

For most men, those hours spent browsing profiles and sending witty messages could be far better spent volunteering at a local nonprofit (which skew strongly toward female staff & volunteers anyway). There, you actions will be helping their the local community you live in while meeting other charitably-minded females in a relaxed, non-sexually-charged environment.

Teach a group of underprivileged kids a new skill, organize a blood drive (disclosure: I volunteer at the Red Cross so I am biased), lead a fundraiser on behalf of a battered women's shelter, tutor recent immigrants English so they can seize better opportunities.

Any of these activities puts you in the midst of good, wholesome women and allows introverts to comfortably get to know women as people, not sexual prospects jostling alongside other more aggressive men who see them as mating rivals.

The world needs men who step up and in so doing, you end up on the radar of women who may have never given your dating profile a second glance. but, having seen the good you do with their own eyes, desire you because in her view, you are a MAN who is a caring pillar of the community and a good prospective partner.

A win-win for all, I think. Certainly a far better ROI than messaging women OKCupid who will, statistically, never get back to you.

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Scarlett Jones, Software Engineer at Sweet Dating Poison

Answered 54w ago

being a man on a dating site One of the trickiest parts of getting started with online dating is creating your dating profile. To help you out, we’ve compiled some of the best online dating profile examples for men and paired them with quick tips on what makes them great. Looking Dating Partner Join Top Dating Sites?

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Tip #1: Details Details Details

If you want to help someone get a sense of who you are, it’s the little things that really count. Out of all our tips, my number one is to add details to your profile. You can say you love to cook or you can share your go-to dish or talk about a recipe you’re experimenting with. One makes you sound like everyone else, the other makes you stand out. It’s the details that make your profile come alive man on a dating site.

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Tip #2: Don’t Be Afraid of Romance

Your dating profile is one of the first opportunities to lay on the charm, so if you’re the type of guy who likes to open doors or bring a woman flowers don’t be afraid to say so. It might seem a bit cheesy to say you’re looking for someone you can watch rainstorms with, but it will tell women that you’re serious and unafraid man on a dating site.

Tip # 3: Give the What and the Why

Don’t just say what you love, say why you love it. It’s easy to say you love hiking or being outside, but telling people why you love the outdoors helps them get to know you more and makes your description more compelling.

Three online dating profile examples for men in their 20s and 30s

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FunLovin 36

I’ll admit it, I’m a little old-fashioned when it comes to my dating style. I open doors and like to go for drinks AND dinner on the first date. But it’s all part of what makes me a gentleman. I’m looking for someone who is always up for life’s adventures but doesn’t mind staying in and watching a movie when the weather calls for it. I’m a sucker for dogs. I rescued a lab a few years back and we’ve been best pals ever since. I try to eat healthy but I have a major weakness for pizza. Let me know if you want to go get a slice!

MikeyMikeMike, 30

Seems like everybody says they’re laid back on here. I’m not. I’m actually really hyper. The most laid back thing about me is my cat and even he has to get up and run laps around the room from time to time. If you like getting outside, going out, a guy who tries too hard to make you laugh, and getting to know someone who’s a little different I’d love to take you out.

JD, 34

Ok, I just have to be real… I’m a bit of a shut-in. Don’t get me wrong, I like going out for drinks and having fun but I find more peace and have more fun just kicking back. I love the beach, watching football, movies, writing music and poetry, spontaneous trips, and learning about all the things I thought I knew but now realize I had no idea about. It’s a crazy world, let’s be crazy together.

Tip #4: Dare to Be Different

With so many people out there, you want to stand out from the crowd so don’t be afraid to showcase what’s ‘weird’ or different about you. Do you have an odd laugh? Freak out at scary movies? Are you blunt and to-the-point? Let people know! Even if it turns some people off, you’ll turn the right person on.

Tip #5: Stay Away from Negatives

Dating helps us learn what we do and don’t want, which is great, but don’t focus on what you don’t want in your dating profile. Maybe your last relationship made you realize that you aren’t looking for someone who goes out every night, but if you say you’re not looking for a party girl you sound negative. Instead, say you’re looking for someone who doesn’t mind staying in on a Friday night.

Tip #6: Leave Them Wanting More

In the past, online dating profiles read almost like a resume—the point was to outline everything about yourself. Now things have changed and you don’t need to say a lot in order to attract the right person. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. Your profile is a preview of who you are, not the whole picture. Give people a reason to message you to learn more.

Online dating profile examples for men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s

KeepOnRunning, 44

“Work hard and play harder.” A little bit about me… I’m an active single dad who loves being outdoors as much as possible. I run 12 to 20 miles a week for exercise, but when I have the time, a long hike with someone is even better. I share custody of my two awesome kids so I usually have 2–3 free nights a week and every other weekend to meet new people and hang with friends. If you’re interested, let’s start chatting.

Hometown, 28

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.” -Muhammad Ali

I grew up in the area and just couldn’t leave what has come to be my favorite place in the world. (My 14-year-old self would have never believed this.) I try to balance family, work, and time for myself and enjoy all three. I’m hoping to meet someone looking for something a bit more serious. Lately my hobbies include weightlifting, and tinkering with music (no, I will not call myself a DJ). If you want to know more, just ask.

MountainMan, 39

“Today is your day, your mountain is waiting.” -Dr. Seuss

I’m an outdoorsy guy who enjoys getting into nature as much as possible and I try to get to the mountains whenever I can. When I’m not working or exploring the outdoors, you’ll find me at home hanging out with friends and cracking jokes or downtown checking out a band I’ve probably never heard of—the weirder the better. If you’d like to spend some time outside with a nice guy, I’m the one for you.

Tip #7: Use a Quote

If you have a favorite quote or song lyric, add it in. Quotes can be a great way to get your personality across and show people what you believe in without having to explain it all yourself. Still not sure what to say? Check out our list of over 100 online dating profile quotes for some ideas.

Tip #8: Say What You’re Looking For

Do you want a serious relationship or someone who wants to have some fun? If you say what you’re looking for in your profile, you’ll attract more people who are looking for the same and weed out people who really aren’t what you want.

Tip #9: If You Have Kids, Mention Them

One of the pluses of online dating is that you can get the kid conversation out of the way early. There will always be a few people who aren’t interested in dating someone with kids, but the vast majority of online daters don’t mind. In fact, on Zoosk people who mention kids in their profile or in a first message get more responses and attention from other daters.

Three online dating profile examples for men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s

NotYoungStillRestless, 52

I’m 52 and I still love to go out, exercise, drive my car too fast, and play my rock n’ roll too loud. You don’t have to be into all the same things as me but it’d be great if you were up for a fast ride with the windows down and the music blasting every now and then. Other than that, I work in financial advising but now I split my time between teaching and consulting. If you’re interested say hi or tap that little heart button and I’ll see if I can give you a reason to smile.

LookingAtYouKid, 46

Nerdy. Funny. Good cook. Single dad. I love my kids and tell great stories. I’m semi-retired now after a great twenty year career in tech. I made a lot of mistakes and had a few successes so now I’m passing on my knowledge by mentoring others. But enough of work… I love planning weekend getaways to a new brewery, a great climbing spot, or even just a fun restaurant I haven’t been to. Some of the best times in life, I’ve spent sitting around tables with family and friends. Laughing and eating into the night. I guess I’m just looking for someone who wants to be there laughing next to me.

SillyBilly, 33

Astronomy, reading, coffee-shop people watching, playing make believe with my nephew, eating out on Monday nights, and staying inside on rainy days. Just a few of the things that make me happy. Maybe you can help add to the list.

Tip #10: Lists Are Your Friend

If you’re not the best writer in the world, trying listing out hobbies, facts about yourself, or your favorite things. Lists are an effective and quick way to get your personality across. And don’t forget to add those details to let your personality shine through.

Tip #11: Be More Than One Thing

If you love your job, you should definitely talk about it but make sure that’s not ALL you talk about. Same goes for your hobbies and even your kids or family. You’re more than one thing, there’s a lot that goes into what makes you who you are. So make sure your profile reflects that!

Tip #12: Be Open

Some of the best dating profiles I’ve seen are profiles where the person opens up. Maybe it’s about their dog or kids, maybe it’s their job or a favorite sports team—when someone can’t help but get passionate about something it really shows who they are. Put yourself out there and don’t be afraid to get real.

If you’re still looking for more inspiration, check out our Pinterest board of online dating profile examples to see more.

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Leonid S. Knyshov, CEO of Sendlinks, a customer acquisition startup. Send me a message :)

Answered 254w ago · Author has 7.3k answers and 10.6m answer views

I've had pretty good success meeting women online, including from adult dating sites. I mention that because that is probably the hardest thing to do in online dating. I will agree that men do not receive a lot of inquiries, but what works best is writing a profile in such a way that it appeals to the women. The women I did meet matched what I was looking for very precisely. They wrote to me because it was obvious I was speaking to them.

It starts with a very good smiling headshot. As a photographer, I am astonished at the junk I see on such sites. I also have a unique perspective of having seen and approved thousands of online profiles for models at a social network for models and photographers. Even models submit junk images! In fact, most images I see should never be a part of a modeling profile.

I've seen several profiles by internationally known models (with verified Vogue and Playboy tearsheets that eventually replace the starter images) who upload junk pictures. It's bewildering but true.

If models don't bother uploading good images to a modeling site, the expectation for regular people is even lower.

This tip is important for shorter people - a headshot does not show your height. An attractive headshot with an alluring headline will get clicks. I strongly discourage digital cosmetic surgery. Skin cleanup is OK, but anything beyond that may create problems.

One exercise everyone should try is to evaluate their competition. Run a search using the same parameters as the person you are seeking would run. Look at what they are seeing. What can you do to make yourself look different?

There are tricks, such as submitting images with exact dimensions and different colored background. In a sea of color images, a well-executed B&W headshot might be interesting, as a simplistic example.

An extreme example is to run a search on an adult dating site. I see people paying for "Gold" memberships who have awful pictures. And then they wonder why it doesn't work. :)

Frequency of logins matters. Those who login the most are listed at the top of recently active list. That, along with some other typical SEO techniques is what gets traffic to a profile.

Other images do not have to be professionally shot, but should illustrate your lifestyle. I can say that I am a dancer, but showing a picture of me dipping some girl to the floor is far more effective. I can say that I am a skater, but seeing an action shot of my skates in the air is more interesting.

These images should be re-cropped by someone with an eye for composition. The subject must be the person in the dating profile rather than the scenery. For me, this is trivial but it simply never enters the mind of most people.

When I login daily, I get more hits. Frequency matters if you want to be noticed.

I prefer online dating to offline because I like to know more about a girl and not waste time with someone who is not compatible with me.

3.9k Views · View 5 Upvoters

Nick Nguyen, works at Tasty Labs

Answered 328w ago · Author has 392 answers and 1.4m answer views

By the time I decided I was ready to date again after my last relationship ended, it was mid 2011, and I already had an OkCupid account which I had used to check out the profiles of my friends and coworkers. Little did I know I'd try online dating myself.

I'm not the kind of person who operates under the assumption that single women, by virtue of their being single and unattached, would be interested in a relationship with me. So I'm not going to approach someone cute and start chatting them up with the intent to ask them out. What I found nice about online dating was the context it provided. Sure, you are meeting strangers, but you are meeting strangers who have pre-vetted you in some way by looking at your profile. Just knowing that the person you're meeting is considering you the same way you are considering them takes a lot of pressure off.

Having no experience and little expectation beyond what I had learned from reading their great data blog, I decided to play it straight. I filled out my profile, used accurate pictures, and was very honest about what I was looking for. I was looking for someone intelligent and fun, and especially someone who was comfortable with who they were and their own success.

After I finished my profile and answered a few dozen questions, I lurked for a while. I paid for my a-list account and looked at profiles, wondering idly if they would be fun to meet. About a month into this exercise in timidity, I got an email from OkCupid telling me that someone who was an exceptionally good match was checking me out.

About 5 minutes later, I got a message from Nora Mullaney, and we've been together ever since. From my perspective, it was pretty easy, though Nora tells me my experience isn't typical, and I'm very inclined to agree. Regardless, I can't argue with outcomes here, so I suppose that makes me an example of man who had a very positive experience with online dating.

I think a common thread I find with my friends who are frustated with dating in general is that they really haven't set their expected values properly. Online dating is not the way to meet a soulmate/partner/spouse. It is the way to meet people who are potentially compatible and are also interested in meeting people to date. It widens the funnel and helps a person meet people who don't have obvious deal-breakers, for both sides*. After the first date, then the process for growing and nurturing a relationship is identical to regular dating.

To summarize, here's what I did.

Took time to understand what I wanted in a potential mate.
Wrote those things down on my profile.
Described myself accurately for anyone who was employing a similar strategy.
Put up accurate and current picture of myself.
Communicated in a personable and non-creepy way.

* Deal breakers are often irrational and hard to intuit, but people are entitled to have any kind of wacky criteria they want when they are choosing people to date. For instance, as an Asian male who grew up in Ohio, a thought that crosses my mind is that dating is one of the few areas in civil society where racial preference is acceptable. While I don't particularly care about the race of the person I'm dating, I know other people do.

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Anonymous

Answered 352w ago

I'll answer by way of some background information. I'm 30, live in New York City, and am getting a Master's at Columbia. I'm 6 foot 3, well-built, and I'd say conventionally handsome. I have relied almost exclusively on OK Cupid for online dating as it seems to have the highest concentration of interesting, attractive women of any site that I have used. I have a thorough-enough profile accompanied with a few flattering photos of myself.

I've found that dating on a site like OK Cupid is a true numbers game. In a given week, if I am not dating anyone at the moment, I might write 4-7 messages a week to women I find attractive and interesting. I take good care to personalize my messages, showing evidence that I have read the woman's profile, and always include one or two questions with which to engage her.

Typically, one or two of the women will write back. I've found that the data on how often they reply (very selectively, selectively, sometimes, often, etc) has no correlation with whether they write me back.

Occasionally, one or two of these exchanges will carry on and result in a decision to meet for coffee or a drink. Typically, within the first 10-15 minutes I can tell whether we're compatible, though nearly all of these dates last at least an hour.

On one hand, it can be frustrating to think that only a small fraction of the women I write will end up being interested in meeting me. But on the other, the sheer fact that there are so many women there that I find attractive who happen to be single is encouraging. While I wouldn't use OK Cupid at the exclusion of traditional methods of meeting women, I find as a (fairly conventional) guy that it's a worthwhile avenue to pursue, if only to meet people beyond your social circle.

Oh, I wouldn't normally write this anonymously but my mother is on Quora and I'm quite shy with discussing subjects like online dating with her!

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